The Face of The Past

I'm going to have to see his face again. I stare at my clock as the ticking reminds me of how long I have to wait. With each passing second, the hands seem to be moving slower and slower. I think back to the fourteen months we were together. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, two people in love that seemed to be the perfect couple. I remember how happy we were. I remember everything we shared. I remember each and every day that we spent together. But, that was sadly cut short. I remember all the fights we got into towards the end. I remember all the lies he told me. Slowly, with every fight and lie, I fell out of love with him. He became nothing more than a good friend in the end. I will honestly say that I'm not sad our relationship ended. We had become two totally different people that whole we fell for and it was time to face the truth, neither one of us loved who we each became. What I was sad about losing was his friendship. He was the first boyfriend I stayed friends with and I blew it on some stupid argument.

As I watch the clock, I think about what I could possibly say as an apology. I need to apologize, fess up that it was a bitch and I was wrong about the whole thing. I'm nervous though. I'm afraid he'll just going to blow it right back in my face. I know I won't immediately regret my decision to leave him when I see him. The only thing I really miss from our relationship is the person I feel in love with, but that person is long gone, and the happy feeling I felt every time he kissed me, held me, or even talked to me. I miss that feeling but it is a feeling I can get with the next boyfriend.

I don't know. I have no idea what I am going to tell him. I mean, I have a little bit of an idea but I have no set speech to say and I have no idea how he is going to take it. I hope he accepts it. I hope he understands how sorry I am. Our friendship is something that I would like to get back, but I completely understand if he doesn't want me back as a friend. The person I had become after we broke up was angry and vicious, the definition of a bitch, and I am surprised I have any friends left.

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Everything was just as I remembered. The same familiar sound of when the gate opened. It squeaked loudly and always informed anyone inside the house that someone was coming to the door. The sidewalk outside the fence was blackened from the fireworks him and I had burned last July. The metal fence showed a little bit of rust in the afternoon sunlight. I panted from the ten minute walk here under the cool air. Being hot and cold at the same time wasn't always a fun thing. My heart pounded in my chest as I slowly walked up the three stairs to the front door. Small amounts of dog shit was smashing into the pathway. I didn't have to knock, his dog came up the screen door barking. His eyes widened when he saw me before he opened the screen door and his dog came running out.

I stared up at him. The familiar long, brown hair grew long and his bright, blue eyes staring down at me through his wire rimmed glasses. The shock didn't stay on his face before long and that familiar grin curved onto his lips.

I returned the smile. "Could I talk to you?"

To my surprise, he invited me in. I honestly pictured I would end up talking to him outside like all the times we had a fight when we were together. I was relieved when I saw that no one was home. I didn't want to admit I was wrong in front of his parent. With the warmth from my walk making me dizzy, I slowly took off my hoodie as he sat on his new couch. The living room was different than what it looked like one year ago. The walls were painted a light hazelnut color that now matched the ceiling. The furniture was new and more comfortable than the old furniture. The new wooden book cases were still empty from when they just finished with DVDs piled up on the floor.

He sat down on their new, dark brown couch that looked like you would just sink into it. If we were still together, it would have been a perfect place to cuddle and fall asleep in each others arms. I took a deep breath and calmly spoke my apology. I said whatever came to my head, trying to remember exactly what I said to the other friends I lost to stupid arguments. He sat quietly, his arms crossed in his lap. His jeans were tighter than they used to be and his black shirt hung loose on him. I saw the old silver Metallica necklace I used to steel hanging around his neck.

I had a hard time looking at him when I spoke but a weight was lifted off my shoulders when he accepted my apology. What made everything feel almost back to normal was when we sat down and talked for over two hours. We talked about everything we had been doing since we last talked to each other. His dog missed me, a hint I got when she would sat at my feet the whole time. I looked at the empty seat next to him, knowing if we were still together I would be sitting next to him and his hand would be holding mine tightly.

Is it weird that I thought that way a couple of times? The house was just a flash back, especially in the living room where everything happened. Thinking back to that person I was with, back to the person I shared everything with, the person sitting in front of me on the couch was not him. He looked like him, he sounded like him, but he wasn't him. The person he was back then would light up when he saw me and was always with me. He was always my side physically and mentally, emotionally. I miss having that person but there is nothing I can do. It is over and done with and I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.

As I smiled back at him from his door, saying my goodbyes, I saw a slight trace of the sparkle in his eyes. He wasn't mine anymore, I knew that, but I knew the time I had with him made me feel special. He made me happy. I closed the wooden door behind me and, with music blasting in my ears, I quickly walked home.